For many the second marriage or long term relationship is an even more difficult decision than the first. They feel that their new life after divorce is not going going to include another big relationship.
For other divorced people getting back into a relationship is something they embark upon as soon as possible. Going straight out to find a replacement is a strategy often doomed to failure. Most likely you will look for a person similar to the one before and then repeat the same mistakes. This is not a good way to go.
Have a period of recovery first
Before getting into another serious relationship ask yourself if you have given enough time to come to terms with and recover from the divorce. Have you repaired the trauma in your life, rebalanced to being a single person and begun to adjust to life after divorce ? Are you happy in your life or do you feel that all it needs to fix your life is a serious relationship and that will make everything just fine. Relationships can very rarely do this and being needy is not a good place to start.
Analyse the past but not too much
Analysis of the past can easily be overdone and lead to an obsession with every last detail of the failed marriage. However a sensible assessment of what went wrong and how you got all the way to marriage breakdown is a vital part of the healing process. The failure of a marriage is never just one person's fault, the blame should be shared, but not necessarily equally! Acknowledging that the responsibility for the failure of your marriage is shared is a great way to start recovering from the divorce.
What worked well in the past
Think back to your previous relationships, what did you value and what really caused negative reactions? Be really honest with yourself and acknowledge where things were your fault and think how those behaviors might be avoided or at least modified in the future. This is important stuff as the failure rate of second marriages is even higher than that for first marriages!
Don't repeat the old patterns
It's easy to repeat old patterns with a new partner. All relationships fail for a number of reasons and if you're going for the same ‘type' of person it is so easy to fall into the same patterns of behavior. Listen to your gut instincts, don't suppress your doubts but rather explore them and discuss them so each of you is aware of the other's thoughts and feelings. Start afresh and build a relationship upon sharing and equality which will launch you into an even better new life after divorce.
